


Painful Panacea

by ThatIrishFox (slipknotmaggot33)



Series: Heroes will fall [2]
Category: Zootopia
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 13:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7534297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slipknotmaggot33/pseuds/ThatIrishFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months after the incident in the Canal District, Judy is working to fight through the demons that she gained from the incident. Will they be too much for her or will she be able to fight through her overwhelming guilt and be able to forgive herself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Painful Panacea

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this is a followup to my first story The Fall of Ideals. While I mention some of what happened, you may have to read the first one to fully understand what Judy is going through. I ended up feeliong bad leaving it on the sour note that it did. This story starts off pretty depressing but ends on a high note, I promise. Rated T due to a description of a suicide attempt and for some language.

It had been three months since the incident in the canal district and Judy was still being plagued it. At first it had felt like a bad dream, one she’d wake up from soon but then the reality of it quickly manifested itself for her in the form of nightmares and panic attacks. 

When she was first released from the hospital after getting her injuries cared for and her shock collar removed, Nick had insisted that she stay with him while they underwent their mental evaluations and therapy, and with Bogo’s pushing she had agreed. At first it seemed to go well enough, they’d wake up, have breakfast, write their thoughts in their journals that the therapist provided, but very quickly she began to take a turn for the worse. Her thoughts went from getting better as soon as possible, to dark and self-loathing thoughts. 

While Nick seemed to be making strides with his sessions with their therapist, a kind and aged badger named Barbara Tejón, but working with Judy was like trying to break down a stone wall with a plastic spoon. There would be sessions where she would lie through her teeth and insist that she was fine, and others where she’d stay silent for the entire hour which only caused Barbara to become more and more concerned. On top of everything, Nick had reported that Judy had not been eating much, had been spending entire days in bed, and had been growing increasingly distant from everyone. Because of this, Barbara finally asked Nick to read through Judy’s journal and share what she’s been writing.

What Nick found made his heart sank. The first week’s entries were pretty generic, ranging from how she shared a meal with him or her thoughts on a dull movie she had watched but then her entries began to divulge nightmares, how she saw Timothy’s face every time she closed her eyes, and ultimately she had page after page with every line filled with the same sentence over and over: ‘I’m a murderer, I don’t deserve to live.’ He didn’t waste time bringing this to Barbara, who had to remind him not to take her therapy on himself, not while he was undergoing the same treatment. 

At Barbara’s suggestion, Nick decided he was going to try and lift Judy’s spirits, if only by a little, with a with her favorite meal: carrot stew with cornbread and fresh greens. After checking up on her, finding her lying in bed still, he bid her farewell and told her that he was heading to the store to pick up a few things. Locking the door behind him, he couldn’t help but have a nagging sense of dread by leaving her alone but shakes it off, attributing it to him being overly worried about her. If only he knew what would be waiting for him when he returned. 

He had only been gone a little over an hour, and when he pushed his key into his apartment door and set the bags of groceries on the kitchen counter, he knew something was wrong. There was an all too familiar scent in the air and his ears folded flat against his head in worry. “Carrots?” he calls out. No answer…He approaches her bedroom door and knocks softly. “Carrots? You alright in there?” he asks again, still nothing. He pushes the door open, the light from the hall spilling into the completely dark room and he couldn’t help but gasp at the sight that unfolded to him. 

Judy sat on the edge of her bed, a kitchen knife laying on the sheets next to her and he immediately knew what she had done. The blade dripped red and stained her sheets and he rushed over to her to find that she had cut open both of her wrists and was bleeding rather profusely, her arms, belly, and legs covered with the glimmering red liquid. “Oh god Judy! Fuck this is bad.” He says frantically, grabbing one of her pillow cases and quickly tears it into strips so that he can stave off any more bleeding long enough for an ambulance to get there. Judy merely gave him a weak smile, her violet eyes looking dull and lifeless. “D-don’t worry Nick…This is what I deserve.” She whimpers, and he could see that she had been crying for god knows how long. “Fuck!” he growls and grabs his cellphone from his pocket to quickly dial 911, calling an ambulance. He lets his phone fall to the floor after hanging up and holds her in his arms tightly. He began to cry softly, tears matting the fur around his eyes as he held her to his chest. “I’m sorry Judy, I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” he repeats over and over, praying to the god he hasn’t bother speaking to in years that the ambulance would arrive in time. The last thing Judy remembers before blacking out is the thudding of footsteps as two EMT’s rushed in and got her on a stretcher.

Judy awoke to find herself staring upwards at a white ceiling and a bright white fluorescent light. She glanced around, purple eyes tracing the sterile white walls of what she assumed was a hospital room. The first thing she noticed was that she was no longer in her comfortable pajamas, the ones that were probably ruined now. Instead she was wearing an outfit that was similar to a pair of scrubs, though it didn’t have any ties or zippers and a red tag on the bracelet that was around her wrist was labeled: ‘Suicide Watch’. On one side of her was The usual heart monitoring machine that beeped steadily while a stand with an IV bag containing a clear fluid that was being pumped steadily into the back of her hand through a small needle. On her other side was a small table that was practically overflowing with get-well cards and flowers. She lifted her paws weakly to look at them, seeing that her wrists were bound tightly with white gauze and her paws were shaking. She groaned softly as memories of what happened started to come back to her, realizing that she had attempted to kill herself out of the guilt. 

Before she could let herself sink down into her wallowing, she heard a familiar, if exhausted sounding, voice. “Well, look who’s awake.” Nick said with a weary smile and Judy turned her head to see him sitting in the chair that was against the wall, nursing a cup of coffee in his paws.  
“How long have I been out?” she asks, ears drooping back against her head. 

“Almost two days.” He answers, and she couldn’t help but feel guilty knowing he probably hasn’t gotten a bit of sleep in that time. 

“N-Nick…I’m…” she starts but is cut off when he raises a paw.

“Carrots, I’m just happy you’re alright.” He says with his gentle smile, moving to sit on the side of the bed with her. “I just need to know…why did you try to kill yourself?” his voice didn’t sound angry, or even curious, all that she could find in there was worry, even if his expression didn’t betray that. 

“I-…I don’t know…” she says softly rubbing a paw over one of her bandaged wrists. “At first I thought I could get through this on my own but then I started having the nightmare.” She says softly, clenching her paws into fists now as she tried to keep it together. “A-always the same one. I’m standing there, holding the gun at Timothy and then I pull the trigger…I watch him fall and I just…I just smile!” she says, putting her head into her paws and finally breaking down into sobs.

Nick watched a moment, lost in thought and silently blaming himself for not being more persistent in trying to support her. He leaned forward and tightly hugged her to his chest, feeling her paws grip his shirt tightly as she cried in his arms. He doesn’t know how long they sat there like this and he didn’t dare be the one to break the embrace for fear of losing her forever, however the sound of someone clearing his throat echoed in the room and they turned to see a red fox in a lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck and a clipboard tucked under his arm. He regards them with a rather sheepish smile on his face. “Good morning Miss Hopps, sorry I hope I’m not interrupting. It’s good to see you’re back with us, you gave us a bit of a scare.” He says stepping over to the bed. “I’m Doctor Todd Crevan, I’m your primary physician.” 

Judy wiped her eyes with the back of her paw and regarded him with a bit of surprise, “P-Please, Judy is fine.” She replies, watching as he started taking some readings off the machine and scribbling them down onto the paperwork that was on the clipboard. “I didn’t know there were any fox doctors here.” She adds, hoping she didn’t come off as standoffish as she looked to Nick who didn’t seem perturbed by the fox’s presence.

“Oh, I’m relatively new here.” Todd replies, his ears drooping but his expression remaining unchanged. “I’d understand If you’d rather another doctor to see to you, perhaps Doctor Sikyatavo? She’s a rabbit.” He says softly. 

“N-no, it’s alright! I was just surprised is all.” She says, forcing a smile despite the heartache she was feeling.

Todd smiled at this, looking as though a worry had been lifted off his shoulders. “That…that means a lot Miss Hopps…Judy, truly it does.” After a short moment, he picks up his clipboard and pen, “Alright Judy, I need to do a routine string of questions then a quick check to make sure we don’t have any issues. First, how are you feeling? Any light headedness? Weakness?”

“No lightheadedness that I’m aware of, my arms feel a bit heavy though and I’m very tired.” She replies.

“That’s to be expected, you lost a lot of blood and we had to do a transfusion. We’re lucky Nick got to you in time.” He says, scribbling his notes down. “Next, According the records here, you’re seeing a psychiatrist, how often?”

Judy gulped and looked down to her sheets, balling them up in her fists. “About twice a month.”

Todd nods and writes this down. “Well, I’d like it if you could bump this up to 3 times a month, if not weekly. I’m also going to start you on some anti-depressants that will be monitored by Doctor Tejón.” He watched as Judy’s expression change to one of both shame and frustration and his ears drooped again. Nick, seeing the same thing, took her paw into his which she squeezed for comfort. “Judy, I don’t know what it is that brought you to try and end it all, but this isn’t a problem you can solve yourself. You obviously have friends and family around you that want to help if you let them in.” Todd’s voice was firm, but had a gentleness to it, much like a father would speak to a daughter. 

Judy nodded slowly, tears welling in her eyes. “I-I know…b-but what I did…I don’t think I can ever live with myself.”

Todd set his clipboard down on the foot of the bed and sat down next to her. “Judy, you overcame all opposition and became the first rabbit officer of the ZPD. On your first case you blew open a conspiracy that threatened to destroy the city. You inspired predators and prey alike to be more than what is the normal, to push beyond their limitations. Hell, if it weren’t for you and Nick here, I probably wouldn’t of ever become a doctor.” He smiles. “I know you can overcome this, you just need to take it one day at a time.”  
Judy felt bolstered, empowered even by his words. While it didn’t change how she felt or that nagging voice of self-loathing she was feeling, she certainly wasn’t going to give up now. “O-okay, I’ll try.” She smiles, wiping the tears from her eyes with her paws again. 

“I’m glad to hear it! Now…” he rips a slip of paper from his prescription pad and attaching it to her charts that were hanging from the foot of her bed. “Now, if Nick could step out for just a moment, I need to do a quick exam.” 

Nick nodded “I’ll go get us some coffee. Be right back.” He says with a smile and strolls out, hands in his pockets.

Todd pulled out a small flashlight and went through some basic cognitive exercises making notes as he went. By the time he was done, Nick was back with two coffees. Black for him and 3 creams and two sugars for her. “Alright Judy, you seem to be doing well enough, we’re going keep you a couple more nights until your blood count goes back up and you have a sit down with your therapist. In the meantime, the hospital is going to keep you on Suicide watch…” holds his paws up as if defending himself, “I know, I know, but it’s the rules.” He says with a small chuckle. “Don’t worry it just means you’re only allowed to eat things that can be eaten with a plastic spoon and will have a check a few times a day to make sure you aren’t hiding anything sharp. The nurses will also watch you and will check your mouth to make sure you’re taking your medication so please work with them on that. You’ll be started on your anti-depressants this evening.”

Judy nodded idly, feeling very exhausted all of the sudden. “Thanks Doctor Crevan.”

“No problem Judy. Make sure you get plenty of rest and I’ll be by tomorrow afternoon to check up on you. If you need anything though, you can have your nurse page me, Good night!” he says with a smile, waving at the duo as he headed out. 

Nick smiled at her when the door shut behind him, “Well he seems nice.” He says with a chuckle, making Judy giggle. “Oh, your parents came to visit you while you were asleep, most of these cards are from your brothers and sisters.” He says, though his smile faded when he saw the look of worry on her face, wondering what her parents were thinking. 

“W-what do they know?”

“Well, the hospital told them you had a suicide attempt but since you are in the ICU, they couldn’t come and visit. They allowed me to take the cards to you.”

She frowned at this, if her parents were opposed to her being an officer now, it was going to be worse now that she nearly killed herself. “Do you have my phone?”

“Carrots, you don’t have to face them yet if you don’t want to.” He says softly, though he did pull her phone out of his pocket, setting it next to his that now bore a spider web of cracks on the corner. 

“I need to, I probably scared them with this and deserve to know I’m at least lucid.” She says, picking up her phone and opening up the MuzzleTime app. She took a breath to steel herself and pressed the dial button. It barely made it past one ring when the line picked up and her parents came into view of the phone. “Hi guys.” She says tiredly.

“Hey there Jude…how’re ya feelin’?” her father asks, trying to keep a smile on his face though she could hear how he’d probably spent a good amount of time in tears with how emotional he was. 

“I’m okay dad, but I have something I need to say to you both.” She responds, tears welling in her eyes. “I-I’m so sorry that I put you two through this. You already worry about me enough as it is and you didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry.” She whimpers, wiping her eyes with the paw that wasn’t holding her phone. 

“Judy,” her mother answers, her voice weary but still filled with the same maternal love she always had for each and every one of her children. “You don’t have to apologize to us, we still love you no matter what.”

“Yeah Jude, right now we just want to see ya get better. We know you’re in good paws with that Mr. Wilde.” 

“Thanks guys, I love you both so much.” 

“We love you too sweetheart, you get some rest and get better. And just so you know, we keep your room open for any time you want to come and stay. See you soon!” her mother says and presses the disconnect button. 

Judy gives a soft smile closing her eyes and drifts off to sleep, finally for the first time feeling like she could actually prove herself worthy of life again. Nick smiles as he watches her, slowly drifting off to sleep himself. 

~End

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Let me know what you think about it in the comments!
> 
> Fun fact:
> 
> Todd is a nickname for a male fox  
> Crevan is an Irish word for fox  
> Tejón is Spanish for badger  
> Sikyatavo is a Hopi Tribe word meaning Yellow Rabbit


End file.
